Scientists Find Hitting Enemy In Head With Large Plank Of Wood Is Better Revenge Than Living Well

A study by scientists has revealed that tracking down your enemy and smashing them over the head with a large piece of wood is a far more satisfying method of getting revenge on those that have wronged you than simply forgetting about it and going on to live a prosperous life.

“Whether that person has killed your brother, taken your sister’s honour or knocked your beer over in the pub, our research shows that wrapping a solid piece of four by two around their skull leaves the greatest feeling of satisfaction for anyone completing a vow of vengeance,” said Professor Ballor Arasol of the Zurich Institute Of Long Memories And Blood Feuds. “Living well scored very poorly, a long way behind running them over with a steam roller and blowing up their house with a petrol bomb.”

“I tried living well as a method of getting revenge on the man who threw acid in my face when I was a teenager,” said Lithgow man Cyrus Brokenshire. “I called him up and informed him that I had invested wisely in the stock exchange, had a lovely wife and two kids and took an overseas holiday every year. He just sounded nonplussed, so I immediately hung up and went around to his place and ambushed him in his driveway with a humungous slab of lumber. It felt much better.”

“I expect to win a Nobel Prize for this research,” said Professor Arasol. “If I don’t then I’m putting the Nobel Prize committee on notice that I know where they live. In the meantime, can I borrow your baseball bat. I need to deal with that prick who nicked my Bunsen burner ten years ago.”

Professor Arasol is currently conducting separate ten minute, two year and twenty year studies to prove whether revenge is a dish best served cold.

Author: Peter Green


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