Lab Rats Are The Leading Cause Of Cancer, Say Scientists

Cancer scientists are being forced to review decades of research after a new study found that laboratory rats are responsible for causing cancer.

“We’ve always been mystified as to why everything seems to give you cancer,” said Professor Miles Todber, head oncologist at the Zurich Institute Of Cancer Research. “Then some bright spark in the office, as a bit of a joke, suggested that maybe the lab rats are getting it from other lab rats. So we put a bunch of lab rats in a cage together and kept another set of lab rats as a control group and bingo, the lab rats kept with other lab rats all got cancer.”

The results have overturned years of research that have blamed cigarettes, pesticides, stress, sunlight, clowns, artificial sweeteners and radiation for causing cancer.

“This is awesome news for us,” said tobacco industry spokesman Dirk Scorrier. “Ciggies for all. It means a return to the good old days where people got home from the pub with stinky clothes and you could photograph chimps smoking cigars without being hassled by goody goodys.”

The lab rat theory has been challenged by other scientists, such as Dr Emil Bruce from the University of Geneva.

“Our research suggests that the main cause of cancer are those pointy tools with the plastic tips on them that scientists use to transfer things from test tube to test tube”, said Dr Bruce. “We also have been investigating a possible link between white laboratory coats and heart disease.”

Author: Peter Green


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