Tough Nut Spider Is Way Less Scared Of You Than You Are Of It

Despite what your irritating spider tolerant friends might say, that tough nut spider that’s hanging around your house wants you to know that it’s way less scared of you than you are of it.

“Your friends are just rolling out that old chestnut about us being frightened of you because they’re a bunch of smug bastards who have something missing in their fear circuits,” said the huge huntsman spider that’s been lurking on your bedroom wall watching you sleep for the past few nights. “I know full well that you’re incapable of whacking me with that rolled up newspaper because you’re afraid I’ll climb onto the end of it and run all the way up onto your arm.”

The spider, a great big evil looking fucker, is happy to make an appearance high up in the corner of your lounge room safe in the knowledge that you won’t risk swatting it just in case it falls to the ground and scuttles away to hide underneath the sofa.

“Your friends will make condescending remarks about how we’re not venomous and we keep the fly population down,” said the spider. “Are they qualified arachnid experts? What do they know? Anyway, I prefer to cause you harm by raising your stress levels as you think about how my long spindly legs move when I walk. And flies taste like shit, I never eat them. I prefer to feed off your fear.”

Peter Green


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