Gonks Extinct In Wild

Biologists have blamed hunting for their shag pile fur and the wanton destruction of their 1970s rumpus room habitats for the extinction of gonks.

“Gonks were once plentiful in Australian homes but now can only be found in a few dusty lower prize shelves of traveling funfairs,” said associate professor Todd Velour, head gonkologist at James Cook University in Townsville. “Unfortunately their fur is much sought after by wealthy Chinese businessmen who prize it for making covers for tissue boxes. With their tiny little vinyl feet the poor gonks are unable to run fast enough to escape poachers.”

Greenpeace reports that out of control home renovation is leading to the destruction of a five football fields worth of seventies style rumpus rooms every minute.

“Each breeding pair of gonks requires several acres of fibre optic lamps, string art wall hangings and record selectors brimming with James Last albums in which to live to provide camouflage,” said National Geographic gonk photographer Narelle Bellbottom. “What people don’t realise is that once you take a beaten copper drawing of a sailing ship down off the wall it’s gone forever, along with the gonks that used to thrive in its presence.”

Ecologists are calling for a number of laughing clowns stalls and stands where you throw darts at little balloons to be set aside as national parks for the preservation of gonks.

Peter Green


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