An auditing firm has attributed the $500M financial year loss suffered by Australian company Consolidated Wickets Limited to the fact that its senior management team are a pack of complete morons whose only skill is the ability to look good in job interviews.
“The company vice president Alf Buckethead made an excellent first impression on me and had an extraordinary grasp of where he saw himself in five years time,” said HR consultant Rita Onagoodthing. “However, he seemed to be utterly confused by the concept of how to use a chair and we observed him spending several hours a day of the company’s time attempting to sit and missing. Apparently this never came up in the interview process as the panel’s act of inviting him to sit down helped guide him through the otherwise tricky procedure.”
“The company just assumed that Colleen Bollox would be the right person to head up research and development because she made an excellent first impression, had a good firm handshake and was able to provide a detailed explanation of how she’d work out the weight of a cruise ship,” said Onagoodthing. “It turns out that no-one bothered to check out the claims on her resume that she was the inventor of the radio, the electric light bulb and gravity. The company lost millions after she devoted all its R & D resources into inventing a form of transparent film with glue on one side that she called ‘grippy tape’, unaware that a similar product had already been on the market for close to a century.”
Other dud appointments included a Geoff from sales who made an excellent first impression and an uncanny ability to maintain eye contact, but who struggled with an inability to grasp the need to wear pants. This flaw passed detection as his job interview had been conducted via teleconference.
The most competent employee in the whole organisation is Stanley in the mail room. Unfortunately he makes a shithouse first impression, has a handshake like a wet fish, and failed to spend the evening before his last job interview reading up on the company’s annual reports because he was too busy staying back to fix a fault in the main wicket making machine.