Terrified donut makers say gangsters from the pineapple flavouring industry are using threats of violence to retain their share of the market for bulkier than average donuts.
“Everyone knows its possible to flavour a slightly bigger than normal donut with something other than pineapple but we’re all too scared to cross the pineapple mafia,” said a donut shop owner who did not wish to be named. “I tried selling strawberry flavoured glazed donuts once and got a visit from a couple of goons in Hawaiian shirts who threatened to push over my chocolate sprinkle machine unless I went back to selling solely pineapple flavoured donuts.”
“It’s no use complaining to the cops because “Big Donut” has them wrapped around its little finger”, said boutique donut seller Melanie Cinnamon. “I never used to understand why you can get fifty different flavours of ice cream but only one flavour of thicker than average sized donut, until I tried marketing my salted caramel flavoured glazed donuts. All of a sudden I started getting visits from the Police, claiming that my donut holes were larger than the legal limit, and that I was putting far too many smarties on my chocolate iced donut men.”
“People just like pineapple donuts,” said Rocco “The Jam Filler” De Lorenzo, chairman of the Nambour Pineapple Flavourers Co-Operative. “We strenuously deny that the pineapple donut industry is based upon murder and extortion. It’s just an unfortunate coincidence that anyone who tries to sell banana flavoured donuts or apricot flavoured donuts mysteriously ends up getting fed into their own hot donut machine and covered in sugar.”