The world’s eight year olds have confirmed that there will be no change to their policy of not eating the beer nuts, just in case popping one of the tasty snacks into their mouths will get them drunk.
“They look harmless but as the name suggests they obviously contain beer cleverly disguised in the form of a peanut,” reported eight year old Sophie Pigtail. “I don’t want to have anything to do with beer, not after seeing what it does to my dad. I’m afraid if I eat a beer nut my breath will get all stinky and I’ll start to sing songs in a loud and off key manner.”
“They’re just normal peanuts still in their inner shell with a salty coating, not some sneaky trick designed by us to get little kids drunk for our own amusement,” said Nobby Morish, president of the International Beer Nut Growers Association. “Trust me, they won’t get you drunk. Try one. Come on.”
The recipe for the special glaze on the outside of beer nuts is a closely guarded secret known only to a few peanut farmers in the Kingaroy region of Queensland. Scientific analysis by kids consumer watchdog group YUK have detected traces of yeast, hops and barley.
“My big brother is always trying to get me to eat beer nuts but I’m having none of that,” said eight year old Billy Slingshot. “I distrust the way he smirks and then gathers all his mates around to watch me do it. I’m sticking to the liquorice allsorts and the cocktail frankfurts… Why does my head feel all wobbly?”