Shire Man Ready To Use Car Keys As Brass Knuckles

A shire man forced to walk through a rough looking neighbourhood after dark has formed a fist with the pointy end of his keys poking out through the gaps between his fingers just in case he runs into any trouble.

“Any thug who wants to jump me is in for a nasty surprise,” declared Bonnet Bay man Jeremy Sook as he confidently returned to where he’d parked his car in a dark side street in a slightly scary looking suburb north of the Georges River. “My rudimentary car key knuckle dusters should be enough to see off even the most fearsome mugger.”

“The car key brass knuckle is the most effective way of protecting yourself from a violent attack outside of arming yourself with a hand gun,” said personal security expert Guido Haymaker. “It’s a technique developed by the Secret Service who always carry a spare key ring with three or four really pointy keys attached to it just in case the President has parked his limo a few blocks away from a venue and they have to accompany him through a seedy part of town.”

The advent of keyless locking systems has led to an upsurge in assaults on people walking to their cars late at night as criminals have lost their fear of copping a nasty punch in the guts from key encrusted fists.

“As soon as I spot a car with keyless locking I get really excited and start looking for some shadowy bushes to hide in,” said violent Rockdale hoodlum Mick Bruiser. “That’s because I know I can safely beat that person up without fear of having to deal with a mace like fist brimming with car keys.”

Peter Green


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