A top secret report commissioned by the ASX has found that executives from Australia’s top 100 companies are spending more than 200 million work hours per annum playing with shiny metal desk toys when they should be busy running their businesses.
“I know I’m supposed to busy overseeing our marketing strategy for the next quarter of the financial year but once I let the first little ball go and it clicks against the one next to it and passes on the energy until the last ball in the row swings out again I get totally hypnotised,” said Norbert Washroom, CEO of Consolidated Wickets Limited. “The next time I look up a couple of hours have passed and I’ve done nothing.”
“I have a massive deadline to meet regarding the restructuring of our Western Australian operations but this little metal man holding onto a hooped pole with weights on the end is just so distracting,” said Bessie Shoulderpads, vice president of HR at Amalgamated Mining and Construction Pty Ltd. “Look, you push him and he wobbles around on his little pointy feet and he almost falls over but doesn’t.’
Since taking the radical move of clearing all reconfigurable wooden robots, slinkies, tiny golf clubs and holes, squeezy dinosaurs and interlinking ring puzzles off the desks of its executive staff investment banking company South Pacific Finance LTD has seen a rise of over 1785% in executive productivity.
“I laid down the law and said if I come into anyone’s office and find them playing with a two inch high snooker table or pressing their hand into a pin art board they’ll be asked to clear their desk and be out of here,” said chairman Veronica Tightbun. “Everyone now goes home at two o’clock because that’s the time we get all our work done now we’ve confiscated all the Newton’s Cradles and locked them in a safe.”