A sore and exhausted band of Greenpeace volunteers have successfully pushed a pod of bluebottles back into the Pacific Ocean after they had stranded themselves on North Cronulla beach.
“My hands are all stingy and my back is stuffed from bending over but it’s worth all the pain to know that these magnificent creatures are once again floating around in the surf ready to wrap their icky blue tentacles around the arms and legs of unwary swimmers,” said Greenpeace member Gareth Dreadlock. “Sadly millions upon millions of bluebottles strand themselves on Australian beaches every year and it’s a complete mystery why they do it.”
“It’s no mystery at all, they’re just stupid blobs of stinging blue evil that get washed around on the tides,” said Associate Professor Raelene Welt, head of bluebottle studies at the University of the Sutherland Shire. “They’re actually a colonial organism, made up of equally mindless and useless individuals and the world would be a better place if they all floated away somewhere else and never came back.”
Four dedicated volunteers spent three days and nights pushing the stranded bluebottles back into the water, much to the chagrin of locals who pelted the earnest environmental goody goodies with sea shells and big clumps of seaweed as they went about the job.
“There’s another one free to bob around in the sea till it wraps itself around some little kiddies leg necessitating the liberal application of vinegar and/or urine,” said delighted Greenpeace organiser Narelle Gaia as she rolled another bluebottle out past the breakers. “Though I think I’ll wear gloves next time I try this… Oh damn, the stupid prick’s just floated straight back onto the sand.”