Skeptic Refuses To Believe In Existence Of Friends

A committed skeptic has demanded to see the scientific evidence of the existence of the mythical beings called “friends”.

“I’m sick and tired of hearing people talking about these so called ‘friends’ when I’ve never seen a single scrap of evidence that such a creature exists”, said Mervyn Drone, vice president of the Gymea Skeptics Association. “In my thirty years on this planet I’ve certainly never encountered anyone who was pleased to be in my presence or who wanted to ‘hang out’ with me. I’m calling shenanigans.”

“I’ve never seen or met a friend and that goes for every other scientist I know,” said scientist Robyn Orkwood. “Sorry folks, but those photographs on Facebook of people with friends are just clever fakes done with Photoshop.”

“Hollywood has got a lot to blame for perpetuating the myth of the friend,” said social anthropologist Angelica Singleton. “They keep on making these ‘buddy movies’ where a cop solves a crime with the help of another cop and they share jokes and have dinner at each others houses. They even made a TV show called Friends that lasted for ten years. Is it any wonder we skeptics find it so hard to convince people that these friends are all a figment of some scriptwriter’s imagination.”

In an effort to dispel the myth the CSIRO recently mounted an expedition to barbecues and coffee shops where rumoured sightings of friends have taken place. They left birthday presents in a possum trap but no friends came forward to take the bait.

“We weren’t expecting to catch an actual friend but we were hoping to find secondary evidence of their existence, such as freshly shared pizza meals or discarded double passes to a movie,” said expedition leader Peter Ockham. “We did test some scat samples but they turned out to belong to an ordinary garden variety moody loner.”

Peter Green


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