Shire Man Has Freakish Ability To Swallow Own Saliva

Friends and workmates of a shire man continue to be astounded by his uncanny ability to suck his own saliva back down his throat rather than spit it out onto the ground.

“It’s something I’ve been able to do ever since I was a small child,” admitted Caravan Head financial planner Gilbert Pavlov. “I try not to do it in polite company because some people find it a bit gross.”

“I have no idea how he does it,” said work colleague Jacqueline Loogy. “It can’t be good for him. I mean that stuff’s been in his mouth and everything and then he drinks it. Yuk.”

“I certainly wouldn’t recommend it,” said Dr Loretta Golly from the salivary diseases research unit at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital. “The average person secrets up to a litre and a half of saliva every day so he’s risking death by drowning. Plus that stuff is designed to digest your food so no doubt it’s eating his stomach and sooner or later he won’t have a stomach left at all. That means all the food he eats will fall straight through his body and end up in his feet.”

Australia’s spittoon manufacturers are hoping that Pavlov’s unnatural habit won’t catch on with the general public, threatening the multi-billion dollar spit catching industry.

“He must have a lucky girlfriend if his saliva tastes that nice that wants to swallow it rather than hoik it out onto the footpath or into one of our spittoons,” said Mario Gobbe from the Acme Cuspidor Company. “I wonder what other filthy habits he has? I bet he carries around a dirty rag to catch his bogies rather than dispose of them with a good healthy bushman’s blow.”

Peter Green


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