Scientist Isolates Molecule That Makes Jeans Change Shape After Purchase

An Australian scientist has successfully distilled the compound from denim that makes jeans change shape between the fitting room and the first time they are worn on a night out.

“We’ve long known that denim possesses this unique shape changing property that allows a new pair of jeans to fit perfectly when you try them on in the shop but never again once you’ve actually bought them,” said materials scientist Arthur Bootcut. “The molecule responsible, which we’ve named denelastin, causes chemical bonds in denim to break apart and reform as soon as the fabric comes into contact with a plastic shopping bag.”

“I’ve often wondered why a brand new pair of jeans that fits perfectly in the change room rides straight up my bum but hangs loose at the waist the minute I take it out of Just Jeans,” said jeans wearer Meryl Buttonfly. “I’d always thought it was because I always go jeans shopping just before having lunch at the all you can eat Chinese buffet and that I was the one changing shape.”

The military is particularly excited about the discovery of denelastin with the compound expected to have many applications in the torture of prisoners.

“Forget waterboarding, now all we have to do to make a prisoner talk is fit them with a nice new uniform that changes shape as soon as they are returned to their cell,” said CIA torturer Wendy Spyvspy. “After a couple of hours of fidgeting around in a pair of overalls that are slightly too tight around the thigh and annoyingly baggy at the hip even the toughest terror suspect will crack and begin naming names.”

Peter Green


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