Medical researchers have developed a patch that will help people addicted to being a pirate kick the habit.
“This new treatment gives hope to the millions of people worldwide who feel compelled to wear stripey shirts and hooped earrings whilst swinging from ropes with cutlasses in their mouths and walking around on wooden legs saying arrrrrr,” said Dr Edward Teach from the Geneva Institute of Diseases of the Spanish Main. “The patch releases a chemical that simulates the feelings of intense pleasure derived from making scurvy dogs walk the plank and can only be absorbed into the body by the blood vessels surrounding the eye.”
“I used to be a heroin addict but having a monkey on your back is nothing compared to having a parrot on your shoulder,” said pirate addict Anne Bonny. “I tried going cold turkey but the moment I walk past someone playing sea shanties on a tiny hand held accordion I can’t help breaking into a jig and tying a scarf around my head.”
“I’m very sceptical of the patch and still think our twelve step program is the best way to beat addiction to being a pirate,” said Henry Morgan, founder of Pirates Anonymous. “That be seven steps to the north, five steps to the west and start digging.”