Illiterate Ghost Totally Confused By Ouija Board

A psychic who contacted an illiterate ghost with a ouija board admits she has no idea who it was or what it had to say for itself.

“I’d gathered some friends around the board and invited any spirits of the dead who might have present in the room to make themselves known to me,” said Bexley medium Crystal Ballin. “We all got excited when the pointer started moving mysteriously from letter to letter but the message we received was absolute gobbledegook.”

“The restless soul from the afterlife seemed keen to get something off its chest but the message it spelled was gzyzooxstwqqr egdseswwxv egner ffflpkjkjw, a sentence that doesn’t make sense in any known language,” said séance guest Jeff Participle. “Unfortunately ouija boards don’t come with spellcheck so we’ll never know if the ghost was trying to impart with something of great importance or whether it was just making small talk.”

A further message from the spooky ethereal presence spelled out wuughrrrhu which was interpreted by those around the table as an attempt to spell woooooooooo.

“If I was alive in the modern day they’d probably diagnose me with dyslexia,” said ghost Casper Fisher when later contacted via sending the medium into a trance and speaking through her mouth. “When I get confronted by those ouija boards the letters just seem to dance around in front of my eyes and I can’t get my message across. It’s damn frustrating because all I want to do is ask for someone to wash my white sheets for me because dry cleaning costs on this side of the corporeal plane are prohibitively expensive.”

Peter Green


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