The left hand side of a shire woman who is currently receiving a massage is looking forward to getting all the things done to it that the right hand side is getting at the moment.
“It would be an absolute tragedy if for some reason the masseuse has made a miscalculation of the time available to complete the massage and I don’t get all the good things that the right hand side is enjoying,” said the left hand side of Loftus massage recipient Amy Chillout. “I’m really looking forward to that bit where each finger is grabbed and given an individual stretch and the bit where she cups her hands and gives the back of my calf a solid pounding.”
“I’m a thorough professional and Amy’s left side should be confident that I’ve timetabled this massage in such a way that it’ll get equal attention as the right side,” said masseuse Georgina Effleurage from the Audley Weir Day Spa. “Granted someone might come to the counter or the phone might ring during the second half of the massage and I may have to rush a bit of the thigh kneading on the left hand side but if that happens I promise to make it up the next time she comes in.”
Under the terms of the Massage Laterality Equality Act of 1983, both sides of the body are required to get equal amounts of rubbing from the provider, unless the massagee specifically requests that one side gets more attention because it is feeling particularly knotty.
“I’m very satisfied with my treatment today,” said the right hand side of Amy’s body. “Sometimes if the other girl does it or we get that bloke with the Russian accent we miss out on the little finger in the ear bit which is always a highlight but today I got the full works. Now I can relax while the left hand side frets about getting everything that I just got.”