Remainder Of Restaurant Hamburger Eaten With Fingers

Fellow restaurant diners report that a man has given up trying to eat a hamburger with his knife and fork and is consuming the rest of his meal using the traditional hand held method.

“I felt like a twat trying to cut the bun into a mouthful sized chunks,” claimed Penrith eater Vincent Slartibartfast. “In the end I waited till everyone else at the table was preoccupied with their own food and picked it up with both hands. It was a satisfyingly liberating moment.”

“You could see that Vince was unsure what to do between bites,” said tablemate Valerie Yossarian. “Normally if you’re eating a burger you retain it in your hands. I was impressed with the way he carefully set it back down upon the plate in a way that kept the integrity of the bun-salad-meat-bun formation.”

The course was described in the menu as parcel of ground wagyu in a sourdough baguette with dismembered crisphead lettuce, cleaved campari tomato and drizzled with a spiced love apple, corn syrup and vinegar jus. The plate also contained a side of thick cut Tasmanian bintje quadrilaterals lightly fried and salted.

“I’m not sure why you pay more for the thick cut chips when it seems that there’s less work involved in preparing them then there would be for thin cut chips,” said Slartibartfast’s girlfriend Stella Caulfield. “I also think our dessert of a brittle waffle formed into a cone and filled with ice cream and garnished with ground nuts and a free trade cocoa relish looked suspiciously like a Cornetto. I had a bastard of a time trying to eat it with a dainty little fork.”

Peter Green


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