Biblical scholars have declared authentic a new version of the gospel that was recently discovered written on an apple scroll in a southern Sydney bakery.
“It was not unknown for ancient Hebrews to bake their most important written works into scrolls and pastries as a means of hiding them from their Roman persecutors,” said Rabbi Herschelle Yeast, professor of archaeology at the University of Tel Aviv. “Unfortunately many of these priceless texts were consumed during the reign of Emperor Augustus the Glutton, who had all cakes, scones and turnovers confiscated from the holy land.”
“I was putting out the mornings batch of apple scrolls in the window when I noticed one of them was covered in ancient Aramaic, which I recognised from that Mel Gibson film,” said Patrick Bun, head baker at the Mortdale store of Baker’s Delight. “I reckoned this was no ordinary apple scroll so I put it aside and got in touch with the uni.”
The discovery of the Mortdale scroll follows on from the historic discovery in 1947 of the Dead Sea cheese and bacon scrolls in a cave high above the River Jordan. The Dead Sea cheese and bacon scrolls contained an alternative version of the parable of the loaves and fishes, where it was revealed that most of the loaves were made from sourdough and that both plain and wholemeal alternatives were available.”
“We were hoping that the new scroll would help clear up the mystery over whether Judas Iscariot suffered from Celiac disease and in fact did not attend the last supper because a gluten free alternative was not provided,” said Rabbi Yeast. “Unfortunately the apple scroll has gone missing and may have been stolen by a hungry researcher.”
Suspicion has fallen upon fellow academic Professor Tubby Goldberg, who denied knowing its whereabouts whilst wiping crumbs away from his mouth.