Police report that nearly 100 people have lost their lives in a catastrophic but zanily convoluted insurance advert style car crash involving killer wasps, emus, a truckload of bowling balls, a lit cigarette and a skyrocket factory.
“This morning Police and emergency services personnel attended the scene of an unfortunate but piss funny multi vehicle incident in which 96 lives were tragically lost,” said Inspector Terry Bikestack from the Elaborate Mishap Squad.
“The incident started when a mishit badminton cock struck a nest of killer wasps in a tree overhanging the road causing it fall onto the driver of an open roofed convertible sports car. The driver swerved off the road and through the fence of an emu farm before striking a brick outhouse, where the driver of the vehicle sustained fatal injuries and caused a confused yokel wearing red polka dot boxer shorts to emerge from the outhouse with a look of comic surprise upon his face.”
“There were emus everywhere and several of them ran onto the highway causing a semi trailer driver to brake sharply releasing his load of bowling balls out the rear of his vehicle, which crushed a mini minor that was travelling behind it,” said eyewitness Rita Gadzooks.
“I’m no expert but I’d say the four lawn bowlers travelling in the mini were goners. Meanwhile the bowling balls continued rolling down the hill, knocking over two workmen carrying a large sheet of glass before striking a ladder which was holding up a plank upon which a signwriter with a lit cigarette in his mouth was painting a sign advertising the opening of a skyrocket factory.”
The local hospital reports that three pedestrians were merrily kicked to death by emus, four lawn bowlers sustained amusingly irreversible brain trauma, a truck driver suffered a highly theatrical cardiac arrest, two glaziers bled to death from lacerations received as a result of a slapstick related glass shattering and an unknown number of skyrocket production line workers passed away in a colourful manner.
“I don’t know how many times we’ve warned the authorities of the danger of situating the fireworks factory next to the emu farm on a road where bowling balls are regularly trafficked,” sighed weary local Thelma Tazzo. “It’s all been a senseless but entertainingly whacky debacle.”
Representatives of a number of insurance companies were at the scene piecing together the labyrinthine chain of events, as well as a host of professional emu wranglers.