Police have charged John Howard with several counts of breaking and entering after they apprehended the former Australian Prime Minister inside a Sydney family’s living room attempting to update his encyclopaedia entry.
“We received reports of an individual illegally forcing his way into a Forestville property just after 3 AM this morning and when we arrived to investigate we discovered a seventy-six year old man holding a large tub of Perkins Paste attempting to stick a sheet of A4 paper into a volume of the World Book Encyclopaedia,” reported Sergeant Terry Bikestack from the Dee Why Area Command. “We have reason to believe the culprit had planned a series of similar crimes as we found in his possession a stack of carbon paper and a hand written list of the names and addresses of all purchasers of the encyclopaedia since 1952.”
“As the world’s most used source of information I think it’s important that the encyclopaedia is kept up to date,” said Mr Howard from the back of the divvy van. “What if some young kiddy has to do a school project about his biggest political hero and needs to know what I’ve been up to lately. I got Janette to type out a page filling in the things we’ve been doing, like that I’m now vice president of the Waverton Bowling Club and that we make our own cheese.
What I find really alarming is that some people no longer even keep a set of encyclopaedias in the house any more and I’ve had to break into a few garages to update my page. I don’t know how those families expect their kiddies to keep up with everyone else in their form.”
“We actually update the encyclopaedia every year ourselves in both the printed and online version,” said Hazel Jaytokay from World Book Publishing. “If Mr Howard wants to send us an email with any new information about himself we’re more than happy for him to do it.”
“What’s this online business,” snorted Mr Howard. “What sort of idiot reads an encyclopaedia on the railway tracks. You’d get hit by a train.”