DNA testing has confirmed that a testicle discovered in a jar in London’s Royal Albert Hall is the missing gonad of German dictator Adolph Hitler.
“We were cleaning out a storeroom and underneath a box of Danny La Rue’s old dresses we found this pickle jar with what we thought was a Scotch egg inside it,” said stagehand Charlie Aggot. “It was labelled “Der Fuhrer’s Clockweighten” which aroused our suspicions that it might well be Hitler’s fabled missing nut.”
DNA extracted from the testicle’s man-goo was matched up against samples from Hitler’s great nephew and descendants of SS commander Heinrich Himmler, also rumoured to be a uni-gonadarian.
“The laboratory results prove beyond doubt that the bollock once belonged to Hitler,” stated molecular biologist Thelma Plum. “Having confirmed the identity steps were immediately taken to permanently de-activate the family jewel by placing a cold spoon up against it. I’d like to assure the world that no-one in the future will be able to take any “Hitler Jittler”, impregnate a series of women and kill off their husbands in mysterious accidents when the offspring reach the age of fourteen so as to create an army of Hitler clones.”
It is believed that Hitler’s cod was smuggled out of Germany via Switzerland disguised as a hazelnut Lindt ball in the early days of the war. Tests are now going to be conducted on a pair of testes found nearby to confirm whether or not they belonged to rockless propaganda psychopath Goebbels.