Doctors say an experimental surgical procedure where a horse is inserted directly into the intestinal system is the last hope for saving the life of an eighty year old woman who accidentally ingested a fly.
“The patient has placed an incredible strain upon the lining of her digestive system by first swallowing a fly and thence taking in a spider, a bird, a cat, a dog and a cow,” said Dr Renae Scalpel, head of the surgical team at the Royal Prince Phillip Hospital charged with the care of Mortdale pensioner Doris Mulligatawny. “Our only hope is to try this risky procedure where we introduce a horse into her lower intestine via the throat. The hard part is finding a compatible horse that won’t be rejected by the patient’s immune system, and won’t be freaked out by the sight of a spider wriggling and jiggling and tickling inside her.”
It is not known why Mrs Mulligatawny swallowed the fly in the first place, which was soon followed by a hungry tarantula, which in turn inspired her pet budgie Cyril to dive down her throat.
“Her GP suggested she swallow a cat and give him a call in the morning which she did without much success,” said Mrs Mulligatawny’s son Mike. “We hoped that mum would then settle down and allow all the things that she’d swallowed to pass through her system but she got some bad advice from her naturopath who prescribed a dog to chase the cat out through her bowels. God knows why anyone suggested sending in a cow to get the dog because as far as I know there’s nothing in the medical literature that suggests that dogs are even afraid of cows.”
In honour of the ground breaking operation the hospital cafeteria will be serving Horscowdogcabirdspiflyen, a meal consisting of roast fly inserted into a spider inside a bird stuffed into a cat surrounded by a dog inside a cow mounted inside a spit roasted horse, as its daily special.
Mrs Mulligatawny’s funeral will be held at Rookwood Cemetery on Tuesday morning.