Governor Of Australia’s Reserve Mattress Keeps Interest Rates Of Money Stored In Mattresses At 0%

The Governor of the Reserve Mattress Of Australia has held the interest rate of money stored in mattresses at zero percent for the 465th consecutive quarter despite pressure from the nation’s misers, elderly and paranoid loons to put rates up.

“The amount of money invested in your mattress should remain steady in comparison to this time last year unless of course your money has been eaten by mice or you let the gypsies see where you keep it when you paid them for re-tarring your roof,” said Alexander Seeley, Governor of the Reserve Mattress, before furtively disappearing onto the back room of the Reserve Mattress Headquarters to get ten dollars to buy some raffle tickets from one of the reporters. “The banks are always changing their interest rates but as you know we just don’t trust banks here at the RMA.”

“While I’m disappointed that rates haven’t gone up it’s not a total disaster because my investment portfolio is highly diversified,” said mattress owner Agnes Bexisbetter. “I’ve stashed some of it into the biscuit tin, some I’ve buried in a tupperware container in the backyard and the rest is being held in a big pile of fifty cent coins on a coffee table in the Cayman Islands.”

The Reserve Mattress is being urged to name a successor to Mr Seeley to avoid a repeat of the financial meltdown that happened in Iceland when the Governor of the Icelandic Reserve Mattress died without telling his relatives where the money was stored and the entirety of the country’s mattress reserves were taken to the tip and burnt.

Peter Green

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