A controversial ape scientist is claiming that chimpanzees and humans once shared a common ancestor before chimps started evolving into a higher life form some five million years ago.
“Humans kept the primitive ability to talk, a rather useless adaptation that leads to bickering and talkback radio, whilst chimps evolved the much more advanced lifestyle of loafing around in trees,” writes chimp biologist Charlie Greybeard in his new book The Descent Of Chimps. “Analysis of mitochondrial RNA traces the first chimp back to an individual who was probably cast out of the tribe for not participating in endless chat about the weather and who should be the winner of a cooking show.”
“God made chimps in his own image and I refuse to believe that my great great grandfather was some upright walking fool who doesn’t engage in picking poo out of his bum and throwing it at random strangers,” said leading chimp theologian Flint Jennings-Bryan. “Chimps have dominion over all the lower animals and that includes humans with their primitive notions of war and belief that driving an SUV leads to personal happiness.”
Studies have shown that humans and chimps share over 95% of their DNA, with the unique 5% devoted to areas that have helped chimps to develop their superior lifestyle. This DNA codes for genes such as identifying tasty bananas, avoiding the invention of nuclear weapons and advanced rollerskating skills.
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