Paper Upsets Scissors In Gold Medal Match

Rank outsiders Paper has pulled off a major upset victory over favourites Scissors in last night’s final at the Rio Olympics.

“I always knew we were a chance especially after the hiding we gave Rock in the semi final,” said Paper coach Jeremy Ayfour. “Scissors just strutted into the arena thinking it had the game already won especially after the way they’d cut us up earlier in the tournament.”

“We were really afraid that we might have to face Rock in the final but when they lost the semi I guess we thought we were going to just slice through Paper,” admitted Scissors coach Raylene Dottedline. “After our easy wins against Sticky Tape in the quarters and String in the semi I thought we were going to give Paper an absolute pasting but Olympic finals are different and I guess we just choked.”

Scissors has denied that staying up all night cutting through tinfoil may have blunted its effectiveness in the lead in to the final. There have also been reports of Scissors running through the athlete’s village.

“We’ll go away and perform a thorough post mortem on what went wrong and promise a much better effort in Tokyo in 2020,” said Scissors. “I don’t know why our form is so variable. On some days you get the good scissors and on other you get the bad scissors.”

Rock is also coming to terms with losing to Paper.

“How can we have lost that match? Paper reckoned it smothered us but rocks don’t breath. But you can easily chuck a rock through a piece of paper. Still, we’re pretty happy with bronze and I reckon we can beat Paper next time. Fire has given us some awesome tips on how to get the better of them.”

Peter Green

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