Burke Assures Wills That Taking A GPS Won’t Be Necessary

Explorer Robert O’Hara Burke has scoffed at suggestions that he doesn’t know his arse from his elbow before setting off south down Swanson Street to find a route to the Gulf of Carpentaria.

“Trust me I know what I’m doing,” said the beardy faced adventurer as his companion William Wills suggested asking for directions at the first camel food outlet that they passed. “Perhaps you want to change seats and start driving all these freaking camels do you?”

Half an hour after leaving a large crowd of thousands of side whiskered men in top hats and swooning parasol carrying ladies in filmy white dresses the entire expedition passed by once again, this time heading north.

“I finally convinced Mr Burke to get some directions from some drunk bloke beside the road who looked like he lived in the area,” said a smug looking Wills as the brass band hastily struck up an encore of the jaunty tune it had played when the explorers originally set off. “Apparently we turn left at Victoria Street, hang a right onto Sydney Road and then go past two thousand miles of fuck all until we hit the coast.”

“When I said that we might set the GPS or ask the indigenous population for directions Mr Burke said that he had a perfectly good copy of the Gregory’s in the glove box of his camel,” said junior expedition member John King. “Our plans are to stop at Cooper Creek for a toilet break and have a feed at Maccas.”

“I suspect they’ll get someone like Jack Thompson to play me when they make a movie about the glorious success of this journey,” said Burke in his farewell speech. “The names Burke and Wills are destined to become synonymous with competence and success. I imagine I’ll be raking in the cash as a corporate motivator when I get back.”

The expedition was last seen hurriedly changing lanes in front of a bullock dray in an effort not to miss the right hand turn into Sydney Road.

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Peter Green

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