“No Baked Beans”; Main Lesson From Simulated Mars Mission

The six scientists who have just emerged from a year living together in a pod to simulate a mission to Mars have strongly recommended not to serve baked beans on any future flights to the red planet.

“It’s like living inside Satan’s arse,” said Russian cosmonaut Boris Sputnik describing conditions inside the small dome located on the side of a remote mountain in Hawaii. “I’ve never been gladder to draw a breath of fresh air then when they finally opened the door to let us out.”

“The project has provided us invaluable data on what the health effects are of confining six people in a tiny space for a long period of time,” said Lisa Stardust, chief scientist from the Simulated Biospace Dome (SBD). “We now know that future space travellers will suffer from sever blistering due to constantly having their fingers pulled and develop severely inflamed tear ducts due to excessive eye watering.”

A full 180 pages of the 200 page mission report has been devoted to the hazards of serving baked beans on a long flight. Other findings from the experiment recommended taking more than one CD on the journey, instigating a proper roster for who does the washing up and banning kazoos.

“I’m not surprised that the guys on the mission were constantly going outside for simulated spacewalks,” said Apollo astronaut Edwin ‘Buzz’ Aldrin. “It’s an open secret around NASA that spacewalks have nothing to do with fixing anything going wrong with the spacecraft and everything to do with letting us cut the cheese. How do you think I got my nickname?”

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Peter Green

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