Scientists Prove Swearing Makes You Taller

A new scientific study has shown that adolescents who swear are on average five centimetres taller than those that don’t indulge in saying lots of dirty words.

“The results are in and the good news is that swearing makes you a bigger person,” said Professor Josephine Darnit from the Wangaratta Institute of Cursing. “I’d encourage all teenage guys who are a bit short to say “fuck” as often as possible because this will definitely add inches to your height.”

“The hard ‘k’ sound in the two most popular dirty words appear to make calcium atoms resonate in such a way that they expand vertically and make bones grow longer,” said anatomist Ken Fiddlesticks. “I myself was a little squirt as a lad until I discovered the power of peppering my speech with good old fashioned sweary words like “bloody”, “drongo” and “so and so” and I immediately an amazing growth spurt.”

A different study has also noted that smoking cigarettes makes girls more attractive to the cool guys.

“We asked a bunch of cool guys to rate girls on a scale of one to ten and girls who smoked scored on average 1.5 points higher,” said Dr Winnie Redmund from the Doonside University of Pashing. “The effect was only significant in cool guys. Nerdy guys and dags didn’t rate girls who smoked any higher than non smokers.”

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Peter Green

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