Geoscience Australia has confirmed that the entire Australian continent has shifted 1.5 metres north due to the action of leaf blowers on the south eastern seaboard.
“We had previously thought that plate tectonics was the cause of the inexorable motion of the entire Australasian plate towards Asia,” said geologist Walter Magma. “However our instruments detected a significant increase in the rate of movement of the earth’s crust every Sunday and Saturday morning at around about seven o’clock, the exact same time of maximum leaf blower usage.”
“All our GPS positioning has been completely out of whack, which has led to the epidemic of people driving motor vehicles into other people’s front rooms,” said car accident expert Nerida Bingle. “Parachutists are missing the X by a good five foot, pizzas are getting delivered to the wrong units and peeping toms are looking through the totally wrong windows.”
The top bit of New South Wales is now in Queensland, leading the QRL to claim all the best rugby league players from Tweed Heads and Mungindi are now eligible to represent the maroons in State of Origin.
“We’ve put out a call to every grouchy old coot who owns a leaf blower to assemble on the tip of Cape York next Sunday morning at six to help us blow Australia back into its rightful position,” said Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull. “As an added bonus the people of Bamaga will get a chance to be up bright and early to go for a stroll along lovely clean footpaths free of all those pesky rainforest leaves.”
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