The wife and children of a Shire father have urged him to enter politics in the hope that the long hours required of the job will mean he spends far less time with them.
“As far as I know Barry has zero interest in politics but we desperately need a reason to get that big oaf out of our hair,” said Penelope Schubert, wife of Oyster Bay pharmacist Barry Schubert. “The kids are at that age now where Barry’s continual presence wearing daggy shirts he bought at Lowes in the 1990s and liberal peppering of the conversation with dodgy puns is causing them intense embarrassment. The kids really need their dad to not be there for them and just piss off and disappear.”
“We tried to get dad interested in building a model railway in the shed but after a few weeks he declared that he was bored with sprinkling green dust onto bits of plywood and moved himself back into our lives,” said Schubert’s ten year old daughter Shauna. “I’m really jealous of my best friend Kelly. Her old man is a senator and she once called a courier “dad” by mistake when he dropped off a copy of Hansard at the front door. I really wish I had that kind of distant relationship with my father.”
The long breaks when parliament isn’t sitting often places great strains on the families of Australia’s politicians who have to put up with their parents finding way too much time to help them with their homework and engaging in awkward conversations with their friends.
“I’ve sat through every single damned school concert the kids have been in. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM,” said a haggard looking Barry Schubert. “If I hear some bunch of tone deaf kids singing “Happy” one more time my brain will disintegrate down to cereal mush. The idea of spending whole weeks ensconced in some grimy share apartment in Canberra with two or three other politicians is my idea of paradise.”
The only condition that Schubert’s family have placed upon him becoming a politician is that he promises not to plant any corflute campaign signs featuring a picture of his face in the front yard of any house within a five kilometre radius of Oyster Bay.
Follow Bobvulture on Twitter