Astronomers at the Parkes radio telescope have decoded a ransom note from deep space demanding money in exchange for the safe return of all the hillbillies that have been abducted.
“The aliens have made contact and the message is PLEASE LEAVE TEN MILLION IN UNMARKED INTERGALACTIC SPACE CREDITS ON THE FOURTH MOON OF JUPITER OR YOU’LL NEVER SEE CATFISH SAM AGAIN,” said Dr Nick Barada, head of SETI. “We tried to keep the aliens on the line long enough to put a trace on which sector of the known universe the call was coming from but they hung up. They also had a handkerchief over their mouth or mouths to disguise their voice.”
“They told us to fly a rocketship alone to the drop site and that the deal would be off if they spotted any Police or Flash Gordons,” said Cletus Possumskin, whose brother Billy Bob was kidnapped by aliens ten years ago whilst fishing on a remote lake. “I believe the aliens had been trying to make a ransom note from words cut out of the newspaper but couldn’t because their newspapers don’t use earth letters.”
Billy Bob Possumskin was last seen jumping into a rusty cream coloured 1970s model space ship after offering to help a being with giant eyes and a bulbous forehead look for its lost puppy.
“NASA has a policy of never negotiating with aliens because to do so would encourage others to fly down to swamps in the middle of the night and steal away prominent hicks,” said Clayton Gort, head of security for the space agency. “Although we have in the past conducted prisoner swaps where aliens such as Alf and The Great Gazoo were returned to their home planets in exchange for a couple of toothless bumpkins with hats covered in fish hooks.”
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