String Rescued From Inside Speedos After Lengthy Struggle

After a tense nine hours of prodding and rucking, rescuers have successfully retrieved the end of a drawstring that had fallen deep into the hole in the waist of a pair of Speedo swimming trunks.

“The little knotted bit had slipped a good four or five centimetres into the sleeve and the owner of the trunks was facing having to spend the whole of summer wearing a cossie that had no string on one side and an overlong string dangling out the other side,” said tired but jubilant rescue worker Sam Lycra. “The scungies in question now have two evenly balanced strings and can be tied up prevent a strong wave tearing them off the body of the owner and forcing him to stay in the ocean until after dark.”

“Two experts from the Smuggos String Manipulation Squad were called in to try to work the lumpy bit back towards the hole,” said Triple Zero operator Clarina Zinc. “After several frustrating moments of failure where they lost hold of the knotty bit and it worked its way further into the togs, they finally managed to make a frayed bit of string poke out the hole which they successfully grabbed with the tips of their fingers.”

November is considered the peak season for losing strings as the first days of hot weather arrive and sluggos are retrieved from the hook behind the laundry door where they have been hibernating for the winter.

“No-one knows why the string likes to hide deep inside the lining of your dickstickers,” said Dr Peter Boardy, professor of lolly bag technology at the University of Ballina. “The first bathers were made by caveman out of mammoth skins with snakes threaded through them to hold them up, which is why they got called “swimming trunks”. The modern day strings may be trying to emulate their snaky ancestors by retreating to the safety of their burrows.”

Peter Green

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