The NSW Police force has announced a drastic drop in the crime rate after abandoning its usual tactics and simply arresting everyone who has a great big speed boat parked on their front lawn.
“After decades of trying to solve crimes by methodical detective work without much success we thought why not just go out and arrest everyone who has a fuck-off speed boat parked in front of their house,” said Sergeant Ross Stedenko from the major crimes squad. “While we’d long suspected that people who own speed boats were all massive crooks even we were surprised by how much crime statistics dropped once we had them all behind bars.”
Police departments around the country are following suit and curtailing their surveillance of potential suspects, careful cultivation of informants and dusting crime scenes for fingerprints in favour of just driving around and raiding every house that has a huge boat in the driveway.
“It’s a fair cop. I knew I should have parked the boat out the back,” said career criminal Joe “Fingers” Malone after a Police raid on his Milperra home uncovered the proceeds of 37 break and enters and the net profits of his methamphetamine lab. “The boat was the first thing I bought. I just couldn’t help myself. My wife tried to stop me. She pleaded with me to put the money in a bank or invest it in some property but I never listened.”
The crackdown on people who have a dirty great big speed boat parked on their front lawn follows on from the success of the Organised Crime Squad who smashed the mafia in Australia by arresting everyone whose car horn played the theme song from “The Godfather”.
Follow Bobvulture on Twitter