Melting Ice Leaves Inuit With Nowhere To Put Old People

Global warming is causing a social welfare crisis in the Arctic as the Inuit people are running out of ice floes on which to push their elderly out to sea.

“Once upon a time there were thousands of convenient ice floes on which to put an old codger once they’d outlived their usefulness,” said Anchorage mayor Harvey Brrrrr. “That’s all changed thanks to global warming. Last week I had to put grandpa out to sea on a pool pony because there wasn’t an ice floe in sight.”

The state of Alaska is facing a massive pension bill and has put in an order for thousands of thick polar bear skins to deal with increased numbers of old people.

“I was really looking forward to being pushed out to sea on a lovely big ice floe when my time came,” said retired seal hunter Gladys Eartrumpet. “I was going to take a good book with me and have a nice read. Now it looks like I’ll have to share my ice floe with four or five other old people and it won’t be relaxing at all.”

After recording a record low of Arctic ice cover in November, the streets of many towns in Alaska and northern Canada are being overrun with old people, causing a massive increase in dog sleds being driven at ten kilometers per hour under the speed limit in the right hand lane.

Peter Green



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