Formerly the world’s highest mountains, geologists report that the Himalayas are now a featureless plain after hipsters mined the entire range as a source of rock salt.
“I used to make a good living guiding mountain climbers up Mt Everest but that was before a bunch of blokes with man buns started arriving and chipping away at the slopes with tiny hammers,” complained sherpa Frank Yeti. “Altitude sickness used to be the biggest danger on an expedition, now the biggest danger mountaineers face is breaking an ankle when they trip over what’s left of the mountain.”
“On the plus side you can now drive from India to China in one afternoon but that is little compensation for the loss of our magnificent mountains,” said Frida Shankar, Nepalese Minister for the Environment. “The streets of Kathmandu are being flooded with homeless yaks just because some berk in a skivvy wants a pink lamp to put on his mantlepiece.”
Several hundred bulk carriers a day leave the port of Kolkata full of rock salt destined for the cafes of inner city Sydney and Melbourne. The salt is prized for its pinkish colour and as a source of traces of iodine, polyhaline and bullshit.
“Himalayan rock salt is the healthiest source of hypertension known to the culinary profession,” said Surry Hills chef and wankerpreneur Mervyn Jamjar. “Anyway, it’s a bit passe now. The next big thing will be Andean rock pepper which I’ve started importing from a mine in Peru.”