Men Who Don’t Like Beetroot On Hamburgers Demand Right To Use Ladies Restroom

Men who are outwardly male but identify as female due to their dislike of putting beetroot on their hamburgers are campaigning for the right to access the women’s bathroom.

“I just don’t feel comfortable using the male toilets because I fear being ridiculed if I pull out the wrapper from my burger and it doesn’t have a tell tale purple stain on it,” said beetroot free hamburger fancier Jason Cartwright from Beverly Park. “I never use the urinal anyway because I’m the sort of guy who sits down to wee so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be allowed to use the girl’s dunnies.”

“I feel our society is mature enough to accept that sexuality lies somewhere on a spectrum between those who have beetroot on their burgers, those who can handle a burger with beetroot relish and those who don’t put beetroot on their burgers at all,” said Professor Donna Litchfield, head of gender studies at the University of Wangaratta. “I would hesitate to recommend gender reassignment based solely on whether a young boy starts pulling the slice of beetroot out of his hamburger, but I would seriously consider it if he also shows signs of rejecting pizza if it is topped with pineapple.”

Fundamentalist Christians in America have come under fire for promoting re-education programs promising to cure men who don’t like beetroot on burgers.

“We can take a confused teen who doesn’t put beetroot on his burger and turn him into a man who demands two slices of beetroot,” claimed Pastor Floyd Birtles of Kentucky. “We also treat softcocks who push the button that makes the petrol pump stop exactly at the $20 mark automatically rather than work the nozzle themselves.”

Pastor Birtles recently divorced his wife Mary after she discovered thousands of discarded slices of beetroot behind his shed. He subsequently moved in with a former customer of his reprogramming camp named Greg.

Peter Green


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