The Queen Claims Ownership Of All The World’s Tyre Swans

Her majesty Queen Elizabeth the 2nd has asserted her prerogative right to ownership of all the tyre swans in the world and demanded that anyone caught mistreating a tyre swan be thrown into the Tower of London.

“If one has a tyre swan on their front lawn one must ensure that it gets a fresh lick of white paint at least once a year,” decreed her Royal Highness from her great big palace. “One takes a very dim view of the caretakers of one’s tyre swans allowing the begonias growing within them to go without water and a proper weeding.”

“I was woken up last week by the sound of hoofbeats and when I peeked out through the venetian blinds there was Prince Charles and a couple of tough looking beefeaters coming up my driveway in a horse and carriage,” said Greystanes pensioner Claude Fibro, whose front lawn is home to several tyre swans. “Charles was furious that I’d allowed the beak to fall off the end of one of my tyre swans and that another had toppled over completely. He would have beheaded me right there and then if I hadn’t set my cattle dog onto him.”

According to royal decree the Queen owns all unmarked tyre swans in the world and has recently sought to extend this right to ownership of all plastic flamingos and concrete aboriginals.

“It’s an urban myth that tyre swans are powerful enough to break your arm,” said swan expert James Swan from the Swan Museum in Swansea. “But you should still be careful around them. I once sprained an ankle when I tripped over one coming home from the pub one night.”

Peter Green


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