Asshole Scientist Deliberately Discovers New Species Of Spider

An asshole from a major Australian museum has gone well out of his way to discover a new species of spider just so he could give the world the shits.

“I could have been out there discovering a new type of butterfly but I prefer to get my kicks from creeping people out,” admitted Dr Marius Hasselty from the Wangaratta Museum of Creepy Crawlies. “I became an expert in spiders because I hate people. Full stop.”

“It’s rumoured that Marius once discovered a new species of panda when he was in China and pushed it off a cliff,” said museum director Professor Christina Atraxis. “He was meant to be looking for a new species of ladybird but instead went off by himself and began rummaging in the leaf litter all the time chortling merrily and humming the tune of itsy bitsy spider.”

The new species has been named the Gippsland Mud Spider and according to Dr Hasselty its favourite habitat is the wall beside your bed and behind the sun visors in your car.

“We’ve had to discipline Marius in the past about exaggerating the size of spiders he has discovered when talking to the media,” said arachnid ethicist Jill Misgolas. “For the record the Gippsland Mud Spider is about the size of a five cent coin and its favourite food is not pet chihuahuas.”

Peter Green


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