A shire cafe is back open for business after calling in a pest exterminator to rid it of an infestation of year eleven kids from the local high school.
“They were here every morning before school and back again in the afternoon after school, pretending to be so grown up,” said Bryce Pinkerton, owner of the ‘Oh Oh Chino’ cafe in Gymea. “I try and shoo them away to the back of the cafe to hide them from the health inspector but instead they swarm all over the tables right out the front where the uncool kids can see them.”
“You’ve got to wipe them out at the larval stage before they metamorphose into fully formed coffee wankers who start bragging about how the barista knows their name and order,” said pest exterminator Heidi Edranol. “I like to bait a trap filled with the sound of a passionate discussion about how the Harry Potter books are really an allegory about the world of politics, and when it is full of year eleven kids I take it away and have them humanely put down.”
Scientists believe that year eleven kids lay their eggs in November, leaving them to incubate in cool, dark niches inside the cafe before they hatch in February.
“The only time I can enjoy a nice quiet cafe latte without having to endure year eleven kids noisily sharing memes about Donald Trump is during the school holidays,” said cafe customer Siobhan Sharwil. “Of course the other time I avoid cafes is late on a Sunday afternoon when the Christians emerge from their nests after fellowship ends.”