Tablecloth Totally Filthy Within Five Minutes Of Sitting Down In Chinese Restaurant

A perfectly clean tablecloth has already been unrecognisably soiled with spilt food within five minutes of a Shire couple sitting down to eat, reports the owner of a local Chinese restaurant.

“That was a spotlessly crisp maroon tablecloth not more than five minutes ago and now it’s like the aftermath of the Battle of Culloden,” stated Henry Lee, the incredulous proprietor of the Happy Lucky Dragon restaurant in Miranda. “I see clumps of rice, a trail of Mongolian sauce and… and is that sump oil? How did they get sump oil on the tablecloth.”

“I’m an artist and my canvas is a beautiful freshly starched tablecloth,” said restaurant patron Allan Barry of Woronora Heights. “While some artists work in oils or watercolours, my favourite medium is a smudge of chicken and sweet corn soup or a slosh of tea from one of those tiny little tea cups with no handles on them.”

Barry’s unwashed tablecloths hang in several of the best museums and fine art galleries of Europe and America.

“A recent piece of his called “Gazza’s Fiftieth Birthday At The Chew And Spew” is expected to fetch up to $40 million at auction,” said Simon Mitchell-Taverner, an art valuer from Sotheby’s. “The hard part is getting hold of the finished work before the restaurant owner whisks it away and sends it to the laundry.”

Peter Green

You can check out our new show Decennium Horribilius at this year’s Sydney Comedy Festival. Hosted by The (un)Australian, the quiz show features teams of some of Sydney’s best comics trying to answer questions about the decade of the 1990s — with prizes for the audience.

Saturday May 5, 5.30pm. The Factory Theatre. Book tickets here.


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