Beached Whale Pushed Back Into High Rollers Room At Casino

A whale found stranded on a north coast beach has been successfully returned to the high rollers of the Star Casino after a concerted effort from Greenpeace and local surfers. “I was out for an early morning ride when I spotted this confused looking wealthy gambler floundering in the breakers,” said Jellyfish Point surfer Gavin Grommett. “He’d obviously become detached from the rest of his … Continue reading Beached Whale Pushed Back Into High Rollers Room At Casino

Considerate Boyfriend Amputates Arm To Make Spooning Easier

A resourceful shire man has had his left arm surgically removed to enable him to spoon with his girlfriend every morning without poking her in the back with his elbow. “I’m right handed so I don’t actually use for left hand for anything much other then for doing the Hokey Pokey and showing people the size of fish that got away,” said Illawong significant other … Continue reading Considerate Boyfriend Amputates Arm To Make Spooning Easier

Exterminator Clears Cafe Of Infestation Of Year Eleven Kids

A shire cafe is back open for business after calling in a pest exterminator to rid it of an infestation of year eleven kids from the local high school. “They were here every morning before school and back again in the afternoon after school, pretending to be so grown up,” said Bryce Pinkerton, owner of the ‘Oh Oh Chino’ cafe in Gymea. “I try and … Continue reading Exterminator Clears Cafe Of Infestation Of Year Eleven Kids

Husbands Enjoy Daily Run In “Man Park”

Sydney’s first dedicated “man park” has been declared a success with hundreds of wives visiting it each day to give their husbands a chance to exercise and play with other husbands. “We live in a small apartment and Troy is cooped up indoors all day while I’m at work so he grabs his leash as soon as I walk through the door wanting to be … Continue reading Husbands Enjoy Daily Run In “Man Park”

Wills Pleads With Burke To Just Use The Damn GPS

Explorer William Wills has once again asked his companion Robert O’Hara Burke to stop consulting the Gregory’s and to ask the Satnav for directions as they continue their journey across the desert of central Australia. “We’re running about two months late already so I wish he’d just swallow his pride and switch on the Tom Tom,” said an exasperated Wills as Burke desperately flicked through … Continue reading Wills Pleads With Burke To Just Use The Damn GPS

Shire Man Becomes Target Of “Shallow State” Conspiracy

A Wanda Beach man has been forced to go into hiding after becoming the subject of a campaign of harassment from very low level government employees. “Ever since I expressed the view at a barbie that Donald Trump’s hair wasn’t all that ugly I’ve been the object of a conspiracy against me from a shadowy group of operatives from not very far within the apparatus … Continue reading Shire Man Becomes Target Of “Shallow State” Conspiracy

Inventor Of Biodegradable Plastic Bag Found Crumbled In Kitchen Drawer

Missing inventor of the biodegradable plastic shopping bag Russell Twisttie has been found crumbled into little pieces in one of the lesser used kitchen drawers of his family home in Berkshire. “I completely forgot that I’d put a whole lot of tea towels inside Russell and stashed him away inside the drawer about three years ago,” said tearful wife Sally Twisttie. “I was rummaging around … Continue reading Inventor Of Biodegradable Plastic Bag Found Crumbled In Kitchen Drawer

All Tiny Circles Now Secure, Declare World’s Sumo Wrestlers

Every small sized circle in the world is currently safely under guard, reported the international sumo wrestling community. “Anyone who tries to make trouble within a very small circle will be turfed out on their ear by one of us great big blokes in a nappy,” said sumo wrestling champion Toshiro Kurosawa. “Whether it’s a trouble making discus thrower, an obnoxious whirling dervish or a … Continue reading All Tiny Circles Now Secure, Declare World’s Sumo Wrestlers

Eggbeater Given Extra Swirl In Washing Up Water

The eggbeater was given a vigorous and superfluous swirl in the soapy washing up water during tonight’s washing up, reports a satisfied shire man. “Whether it needs it or not I always like giving the eggbeater a few spins in the lathery washing up water,” reported Alford’s Point ball bearing sizer Matt Burton. “It adds an extra thirty seconds or so to the washing up … Continue reading Eggbeater Given Extra Swirl In Washing Up Water

Idiot Not Entitled To Opinion

In a landmark court case a judge has ruled that Shire idiot Peter Leslieson is not entitled to his opinion. “While it is generally considered that everyone is entitled to their opinion in the case of Mr Leslieson he has exhibited an ongoing pattern of voicing such utter bollocks that this right has been withdrawn,” said justice Bradford Pearson from the High Court. “In future … Continue reading Idiot Not Entitled To Opinion