“I’ll Go See Doctor If Arrow In Chest Doesn’t Get Better In Another Week” Says Shire Man

A shire man has given the arrow sticking out of his chest another week to stop hurting before going to see a doctor about it. “I know the experts say you should get these things looked at as early as possible but I’d feel like a right idiot if I made an appointment and everything and then it cleared up all by itself,” said Dolan’s … Continue reading “I’ll Go See Doctor If Arrow In Chest Doesn’t Get Better In Another Week” Says Shire Man

Crocodiles Fooled By Fake Gnus

African crocodiles have been warned to examine their gnus carefully after reports that unscrupulous hunters have started using decoy gnus to lure them out of waterholes. “I kept telling my husband to only get his gnus from a reliable source such as the source of the Nile,” said bereaving widow crocodile Beryl Snappy. “But he insisted on going way upriver and getting his gnus from … Continue reading Crocodiles Fooled By Fake Gnus

Cereal Manufacturers Celebrate Discovery Of More Awkward Way To Package Muesli

Owners of breakfast food companies are delighted at the news that scientists in the food packaging industry have discovered an even more impractical method of storing muesli. “We’re always on the lookout for more baffling ways of presenting our product so that when opened bits of muesli fly all over the kitchen bench and a complicated arrangement of elastic bands is needed to reseal it … Continue reading Cereal Manufacturers Celebrate Discovery Of More Awkward Way To Package Muesli

That Kid With The Green Hair Wins Every Race At Swimming Carnival

That kid with the hair that’s turned green from too much exposure to chlorine has predictably won every race at the school swimming carnival, reports every other kid at the school. “His parents must make him get up early every morning and do squad training or something because he just smashed every race and his hair is greener than Kermit the Frog’s bumcheeks,” said Penshurst … Continue reading That Kid With The Green Hair Wins Every Race At Swimming Carnival

The Queen Claims Ownership Of All The World’s Tyre Swans

Her majesty Queen Elizabeth the 2nd has asserted her prerogative right to ownership of all the tyre swans in the world and demanded that anyone caught mistreating a tyre swan be thrown into the Tower of London. “If one has a tyre swan on their front lawn one must ensure that it gets a fresh lick of white paint at least once a year,” decreed … Continue reading The Queen Claims Ownership Of All The World’s Tyre Swans

Stick Free Water Bubbler Added To World Heritage List

Australia’s only water bubbler without a stick jammed into its hole has been added to UNESCO’s World Heritage List as a site of outstanding universal value to the people of all nations. “The bubbler’s location in the middle of the Nullarbor plain many hundreds of kilometres from the nearest tree has kept it safe from vandalism,” stated UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres as he signed … Continue reading Stick Free Water Bubbler Added To World Heritage List

Men Who Don’t Like Beetroot On Hamburgers Demand Right To Use Ladies Restroom

Men who are outwardly male but identify as female due to their dislike of putting beetroot on their hamburgers are campaigning for the right to access the women’s bathroom. “I just don’t feel comfortable using the male toilets because I fear being ridiculed if I pull out the wrapper from my burger and it doesn’t have a tell tale purple stain on it,” said beetroot … Continue reading Men Who Don’t Like Beetroot On Hamburgers Demand Right To Use Ladies Restroom

Australia’s Mums Confirm If Missing Thing Had Teeth It Would Have Bitten You

If that object you were looking for had teeth it would have bitten you, stated Australia’s mums after finding it within fifteen seconds of starting their own search for the missing item. “I’m willing to bet that you’ve walked right past it about five times already,” said Maroochydore mum Jackie Fitzpatrick. “Give me strength. I’m coming out there and if I find it in the … Continue reading Australia’s Mums Confirm If Missing Thing Had Teeth It Would Have Bitten You

World Panics after Death Of Last Remaining Adult

Relatives of the world’s last living adult Frank Barnstaple have confirmed that the 93 year old grown up has passed away, leaving the residents of the world frightened and bewildered. “When I was a kid there were adults everywhere making sure the world ran smoothly,” said terrified Gwawley Bay app designer Felicity Coughlan. “Who’s going to organise for all the food to get to the … Continue reading World Panics after Death Of Last Remaining Adult