tyre-swan

The Queen Claims Ownership Of All The World’s Tyre Swans

Her majesty Queen Elizabeth the 2nd has asserted her prerogative right to ownership of all the tyre swans in the world and demanded that anyone caught mistreating a tyre swan be thrown into the Tower of London. “If one has a tyre swan on their front lawn one must ensure that it gets a fresh lick of white paint at least once a year,” decreed … Continue reading The Queen Claims Ownership Of All The World’s Tyre Swans

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Stick Free Water Bubbler Added To World Heritage List

Australia’s only water bubbler without a stick jammed into its hole has been added to UNESCO’s World Heritage List as a site of outstanding universal value to the people of all nations. “The bubbler’s location in the middle of the Nullarbor plain many hundreds of kilometres from the nearest tree has kept it safe from vandalism,” stated UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres as he signed … Continue reading Stick Free Water Bubbler Added To World Heritage List

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Men Who Don’t Like Beetroot On Hamburgers Demand Right To Use Ladies Restroom

Men who are outwardly male but identify as female due to their dislike of putting beetroot on their hamburgers are campaigning for the right to access the women’s bathroom. “I just don’t feel comfortable using the male toilets because I fear being ridiculed if I pull out the wrapper from my burger and it doesn’t have a tell tale purple stain on it,” said beetroot … Continue reading Men Who Don’t Like Beetroot On Hamburgers Demand Right To Use Ladies Restroom

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Australia’s Mums Confirm If Missing Thing Had Teeth It Would Have Bitten You

If that object you were looking for had teeth it would have bitten you, stated Australia’s mums after finding it within fifteen seconds of starting their own search for the missing item. “I’m willing to bet that you’ve walked right past it about five times already,” said Maroochydore mum Jackie Fitzpatrick. “Give me strength. I’m coming out there and if I find it in the … Continue reading Australia’s Mums Confirm If Missing Thing Had Teeth It Would Have Bitten You

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World Panics after Death Of Last Remaining Adult

Relatives of the world’s last living adult Frank Barnstaple have confirmed that the 93 year old grown up has passed away, leaving the residents of the world frightened and bewildered. “When I was a kid there were adults everywhere making sure the world ran smoothly,” said terrified Gwawley Bay app designer Felicity Coughlan. “Who’s going to organise for all the food to get to the … Continue reading World Panics after Death Of Last Remaining Adult

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“Angels” Fan Very Adamant About Not Wanting To See Your Face Again

A staunch fan of Australian rock band “The Angels” left no doubt that she was in no way interested in ever seeing the face of the lead singer of a 1980s cover band when the question was put to her. “No way, not a chance, now please go away and leave me alone,” replied Geelong resident Tina Doonside when we asked her if she fancied … Continue reading “Angels” Fan Very Adamant About Not Wanting To See Your Face Again

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Prison Escape Foiled After Guards Asked To Sign Farewell Card

A planned breakout from Long Bay jail has been thwarted after the farewell card for the culprit was accidentally circulated to the guards for signing. “Like any workplace, when someone is about to leave we like to send a card around for everyone to write a funny little message on it wishing them well at their new location,” admitted lifer Frank “The Axe” Haffey. “Unfortunately … Continue reading Prison Escape Foiled After Guards Asked To Sign Farewell Card

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Demand For Rock Salt Flattens Himalayas

Formerly the world’s highest mountains, geologists report that the Himalayas are now a featureless plain after hipsters mined the entire range as a source of rock salt. “I used to make a good living guiding mountain climbers up Mt Everest but that was before a bunch of blokes with man buns started arriving and chipping away at the slopes with tiny hammers,” complained sherpa Frank … Continue reading Demand For Rock Salt Flattens Himalayas

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Melting Ice Leaves Inuit With Nowhere To Put Old People

Global warming is causing a social welfare crisis in the Arctic as the Inuit people are running out of ice floes on which to push their elderly out to sea. “Once upon a time there were thousands of convenient ice floes on which to put an old codger once they’d outlived their usefulness,” said Anchorage mayor Harvey Brrrrr. “That’s all changed thanks to global warming. … Continue reading Melting Ice Leaves Inuit With Nowhere To Put Old People

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Man Living On Christmas Leftovers Since 1973 Finally Makes Trip To Shops

A Shire man has made his first trip to the supermarket to buy food in 43 years after eating the last of the leftovers from his 1973 Christmas Day. “We thought that we’d be able to make a couple of meals out of the leftovers before needing to go to get more groceries but it turned out there was a bit more than we expected. … Continue reading Man Living On Christmas Leftovers Since 1973 Finally Makes Trip To Shops