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Limbo Dancer Attacks Man In Toilet Cubicle

Police have issued a warning to all public toilet users to beware of limbo dancers after a Rockdale man was assaulted and robbed by a thief who slid himself under the gap at the bottom of a restroom door. “I was innocently spending a penny when all of a sudden this Caribbean music started playing and this flexible bloke with big ruffles on his sleeves … Continue reading Limbo Dancer Attacks Man In Toilet Cubicle

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Sex With Strangers Banned For Those Over The Legal Alcohol Limit

In an effort to stop the birth of ugly kids NSW Police have begun breath testing couples leaving pubs and nightclubs together and making those blowing over .05 go home in a separate taxi. “The last time I dropped one of my kids off at kindy the place looked like a freaking zoo and I blame it on pissed people hooking up and breeding,” said … Continue reading Sex With Strangers Banned For Those Over The Legal Alcohol Limit

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Sia Injured In Fall From Chandelier

Singer Sia has been rushed to hospital with a suspected broken ankle after falling from a chandelier that she was attempting to swing on. “This lady with a mask on her face comes into my shop shortly after 9AM and asks to borrow a step ladder,” said George Osram, manager of the Bexley North outlet of The Lighting Warehouse. “The next minute she’s swinging wildly … Continue reading Sia Injured In Fall From Chandelier

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Paper Upsets Scissors In Gold Medal Match

Rank outsiders Paper has pulled off a major upset victory over favourites Scissors in last night’s final at the Rio Olympics. “I always knew we were a chance especially after the hiding we gave Rock in the semi final,” said Paper coach Jeremy Ayfour. “Scissors just strutted into the arena thinking it had the game already won especially after the way they’d cut us up … Continue reading Paper Upsets Scissors In Gold Medal Match

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Chimps Evolved From Humans Claims Leading Ape Scientist

A controversial ape scientist is claiming that chimpanzees and humans once shared a common ancestor before chimps started evolving into a higher life form some five million years ago. “Humans kept the primitive ability to talk, a rather useless adaptation that leads to bickering and talkback radio, whilst chimps evolved the much more advanced lifestyle of loafing around in trees,” writes chimp biologist Charlie Greybeard … Continue reading Chimps Evolved From Humans Claims Leading Ape Scientist

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Mourners At Vulture Funeral Eager To Start Eating The Body

The funeral for a popular local vulture got tense today as hungry mourners started fighting over who got first bite of the corpse. “We all loved Bill and wanted to do nothing more than pay our last respects but the sight of him lying there all succulent and juicy just got the better of some of the guests,” said the right reverend Frank Carrion after … Continue reading Mourners At Vulture Funeral Eager To Start Eating The Body

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Governor Of Australia’s Reserve Mattress Keeps Interest Rates Of Money Stored In Mattresses At 0%

The Governor of the Reserve Mattress Of Australia has held the interest rate of money stored in mattresses at zero percent for the 465th consecutive quarter despite pressure from the nation’s misers, elderly and paranoid loons to put rates up. “The amount of money invested in your mattress should remain steady in comparison to this time last year unless of course your money has been … Continue reading Governor Of Australia’s Reserve Mattress Keeps Interest Rates Of Money Stored In Mattresses At 0%

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Hector The Road Safety Cat Found Dead In Gutter

Information contained in a microchip has confirmed that the body found in a Kings Cross gutter was that of once popular RTA children’s spokesman “Hector the Road Safety Cat”. Eyewitnesses reported seeing Hector stop at the kerb, look to the right, look to the left and then step out onto the road without looking to the right again. “Had Hector followed his own road safety … Continue reading Hector The Road Safety Cat Found Dead In Gutter

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IRA Terrorist Paddy McGinty Arrested Carrying Goat Bomb

Notable IRA hard man Paddy McGinty is in maximum security prison tonight after police foiled his plans to blow up a pub with an explosives laden goat. “We believe Mr McGinty force fed his goat a highly combustible cocktail of dynamite, paraffin and a box of matches,” said Sergeant Valentine Doonican of the West Belfast constabulary. “His plan was to sit the goat beside the … Continue reading IRA Terrorist Paddy McGinty Arrested Carrying Goat Bomb

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Girlfriend Watches You Eat Meal With Strange Smile On Her Face

Your girlfriend is watching you eat that meal she just prepared for you with that strange smile she gets when she’s put some weird ingredient in there that you wouldn’t normally eat, your brain is currently reporting to yourself. “What’s going on? Why hasn’t she started hers yet? Why is she looking intently at my mouth to make sure I’m chewing and swallowing?” thought you … Continue reading Girlfriend Watches You Eat Meal With Strange Smile On Her Face