Woman Who Starts Each Sentence With “As A Creative” Yet To Create Anything

Friends of a Shire woman who starts each sentence with the words “As a creative” have noted that she has never actually created anything in her life. “Jenny jams that phrase in at the start of every damn thing she says like she’s freaking Picasso or something,” said Denise Wolfram, long suffering friend of Kirrawee resident Jennifer Madeley. “Dressing up in op shop clothes and … Continue reading Woman Who Starts Each Sentence With “As A Creative” Yet To Create Anything

Cat Really Hoping To Avoid Current Owner In Next Eight Lives

A shire tabby has expressed horror at the prospect of spending any of its next eight lives as the pet of the crazy cat lady it is living with in this life. “I’d rather come back as a rat catcher on the docks of Marseilles than face another lifetime of being dressed up in tiny beanies and being constantly sung to in a high pitched … Continue reading Cat Really Hoping To Avoid Current Owner In Next Eight Lives

Men In Open Top Sports Cars Still Blissfully Unaware Of Wanker Status

A survey of blokes driving around in open top sports cars reveals they are still happily ignorant of the fact that the rest of the world regards them as wankers. “There is nothing, nothing, cooler than gumming up my hair with too much product and heading out for a drive in my convertible,” declared deluded twat Henry Hooray of Rushcutters Bay. “I once almost forget … Continue reading Men In Open Top Sports Cars Still Blissfully Unaware Of Wanker Status

Tablecloth Totally Filthy Within Five Minutes Of Sitting Down In Chinese Restaurant

A perfectly clean tablecloth has already been unrecognisably soiled with spilt food within five minutes of a Shire couple sitting down to eat, reports the owner of a local Chinese restaurant. “That was a spotlessly crisp maroon tablecloth not more than five minutes ago and now it’s like the aftermath of the Battle of Culloden,” stated Henry Lee, the incredulous proprietor of the Happy Lucky … Continue reading Tablecloth Totally Filthy Within Five Minutes Of Sitting Down In Chinese Restaurant

Only Cask Wine From The Goon Region Allowed to Be Called Goon

Winemakers from the Goon region of South Australia are today celebrating after international trademark laws were changed to allow only cask wine from the region to be labelled as “Goon”. “If you want to release a “Goon” style cask wine from grapes not grown in the Goon Valley it must now be labelled as “sickly tasting cheap piss easily carted from party to party by … Continue reading Only Cask Wine From The Goon Region Allowed to Be Called Goon

School Excursion To Car Museum Replaced By Visit To Teachers’ Carpark

A high school trip to the Vintage Car Museum was cancelled after students were able to get a much better experience of looking at clapped out and antiquated motor vehicles by taking a walk around the teachers’ carpark. “OMG is that a fully working 1973 Datsun 180B,” said enraptured year eleven student Gabrielle Smythe as she admired the current ride of geography teacher Mr Andrews. … Continue reading School Excursion To Car Museum Replaced By Visit To Teachers’ Carpark

Fusspots Celebrate Discovery Of New Way Of Pissflapping Around Before Taking A Photo

Delegates to the World Fusspot’s Convention erupted with joy after the keynote speaker revealed that she had discovered a whole new way of faffing around before taking a group photograph. While presenting a paper entitled “Tallest Not Always At The Back: A Whole New Way Of Fartarsing Around While Taking A Simple Photo Of Your Friends” renowned fusspot Professor Jodie Justright revealed the results of … Continue reading Fusspots Celebrate Discovery Of New Way Of Pissflapping Around Before Taking A Photo

Crap Bird Forced To Share Zoo Cage With Six Other Bird Species

Australia’s least notable bird has once again failed to secure its own cage at the zoo and has been lumped into sharing accommodation with half a dozen other equally non crowd pleasing bird species. “Big show ponies like lions and tigers and pandas always get their own cage but apparently I’m never important enough,” complained Gary, an Eastern Dimbulb Sparrow from his crowded aviary at … Continue reading Crap Bird Forced To Share Zoo Cage With Six Other Bird Species

Solo Round The World Yachtsman Admits To Just Sailing Over Horizon And Waiting For A Year

A yachtsman who claimed to have sailed solo around the world has confessed that all he actually did was sail over the horizon and drop anchor for a year before sailing back in to the same port that he’d left from. “No way would I really sail solo around the world, there’s sharks and giant squids and hurricanes and pirates and all kinds of stuff … Continue reading Solo Round The World Yachtsman Admits To Just Sailing Over Horizon And Waiting For A Year

Pub Quiz Player Not Prepared For Question About Naming Santa’s Reindeer

A veteran quiz player was utterly gobsmacked when he was unexpectedly asked to name all eight of Santa’s reindeer at his pub’s Christmas themed trivia night. “Our table was 100% blindsided when Quizmaster Andy pulled that one out of thin air.” said trivia player Ted Johnson at the North Engadine Tavern’s Annual Yuletide Triviafest. “We somehow managed to get Dasher and Dancer and Donner and … Continue reading Pub Quiz Player Not Prepared For Question About Naming Santa’s Reindeer