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Father Enters Politics To Spend Less Time With Family

The wife and children of a Shire father have urged him to enter politics in the hope that the long hours required of the job will mean he spends far less time with them. “As far as I know Barry has zero interest in politics but we desperately need a reason to get that big oaf out of our hair,” said Penelope Schubert, wife of … Continue reading Father Enters Politics To Spend Less Time With Family

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Leaf Blowers Move Australian Continent Closer To Equator

Geoscience Australia has confirmed that the entire Australian continent has shifted 1.5 metres north due to the action of leaf blowers on the south eastern seaboard. “We had previously thought that plate tectonics was the cause of the inexorable motion of the entire Australasian plate towards Asia,” said geologist Walter Magma. “However our instruments detected a significant increase in the rate of movement of the … Continue reading Leaf Blowers Move Australian Continent Closer To Equator

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Grateful Shire Man Dies Doing Something He Hates

Friends and relatives of Yarrawarrah roof tiler Ted Hunstanton say the news of his sudden death has been softened by the knowledge that he died doing something he really hated. “It would have been an absolute shame if Ted had died doing something he loved like climbing a mountain or racing his jet ski,” said Hunstanton’s wife Beryl. “Happily I found him head down in … Continue reading Grateful Shire Man Dies Doing Something He Hates

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Scientists Prove Swearing Makes You Taller

A new scientific study has shown that adolescents who swear are on average five centimetres taller than those that don’t indulge in saying lots of dirty words. “The results are in and the good news is that swearing makes you a bigger person,” said Professor Josephine Darnit from the Wangaratta Institute of Cursing. “I’d encourage all teenage guys who are a bit short to say … Continue reading Scientists Prove Swearing Makes You Taller

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“Festival Of Really Dangerous Ideas” Refuses To Ban Speech About Sticking Knife Into Toaster

The director of this year’s Festival of Really Dangerous Ideas has confirmed that he will not be bowing down to public pressure and cancelling a scheduled talk entitled “Why you should stick a knife in the toaster”. “This festival is all about giving people a platform to air their views no matter how wildly irresponsible they may be,” said festival director Darius Bollocks. “To be … Continue reading “Festival Of Really Dangerous Ideas” Refuses To Ban Speech About Sticking Knife Into Toaster

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Ugly Duckling Grows Up To Become Ugly Duck

A duckling once described as being so ugly he made winter fly south has turned into an even more ugly specimen upon reaching adulthood, say sources from the pond. “I’ve seen better looking ducks hanging upside down in the window of a Chinese butcher shop,” said Daffyd, a friend of Centennial Park duck Phil Mallard. “Phil’s got a great personality but go down to the … Continue reading Ugly Duckling Grows Up To Become Ugly Duck

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“No Baked Beans”; Main Lesson From Simulated Mars Mission

The six scientists who have just emerged from a year living together in a pod to simulate a mission to Mars have strongly recommended not to serve baked beans on any future flights to the red planet. “It’s like living inside Satan’s arse,” said Russian cosmonaut Boris Sputnik describing conditions inside the small dome located on the side of a remote mountain in Hawaii. “I’ve … Continue reading “No Baked Beans”; Main Lesson From Simulated Mars Mission

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Burke Assures Wills That Taking A GPS Won’t Be Necessary

Explorer Robert O’Hara Burke has scoffed at suggestions that he doesn’t know his arse from his elbow before setting off south down Swanson Street to find a route to the Gulf of Carpentaria. “Trust me I know what I’m doing,” said the beardy faced adventurer as his companion William Wills suggested asking for directions at the first camel food outlet that they passed. “Perhaps you … Continue reading Burke Assures Wills That Taking A GPS Won’t Be Necessary

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Limbo Dancer Attacks Man In Toilet Cubicle

Police have issued a warning to all public toilet users to beware of limbo dancers after a Rockdale man was assaulted and robbed by a thief who slid himself under the gap at the bottom of a restroom door. “I was innocently spending a penny when all of a sudden this Caribbean music started playing and this flexible bloke with big ruffles on his sleeves … Continue reading Limbo Dancer Attacks Man In Toilet Cubicle

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Sex With Strangers Banned For Those Over The Legal Alcohol Limit

In an effort to stop the birth of ugly kids NSW Police have begun breath testing couples leaving pubs and nightclubs together and making those blowing over .05 go home in a separate taxi. “The last time I dropped one of my kids off at kindy the place looked like a freaking zoo and I blame it on pissed people hooking up and breeding,” said … Continue reading Sex With Strangers Banned For Those Over The Legal Alcohol Limit