Shire Man Becomes Target Of “Shallow State” Conspiracy

A Wanda Beach man has been forced to go into hiding after becoming the subject of a campaign of harassment from very low level government employees. “Ever since I expressed the view at a barbie that Donald Trump’s hair wasn’t all that ugly I’ve been the object of a conspiracy against me from a shadowy group of operatives from not very far within the apparatus … Continue reading Shire Man Becomes Target Of “Shallow State” Conspiracy

Inventor Of Biodegradable Plastic Bag Found Crumbled In Kitchen Drawer

Missing inventor of the biodegradable plastic shopping bag Russell Twisttie has been found crumbled into little pieces in one of the lesser used kitchen drawers of his family home in Berkshire. “I completely forgot that I’d put a whole lot of tea towels inside Russell and stashed him away inside the drawer about three years ago,” said tearful wife Sally Twisttie. “I was rummaging around … Continue reading Inventor Of Biodegradable Plastic Bag Found Crumbled In Kitchen Drawer

All Tiny Circles Now Secure, Declare World’s Sumo Wrestlers

Every small sized circle in the world is currently safely under guard, reported the international sumo wrestling community. “Anyone who tries to make trouble within a very small circle will be turfed out on their ear by one of us great big blokes in a nappy,” said sumo wrestling champion Toshiro Kurosawa. “Whether it’s a trouble making discus thrower, an obnoxious whirling dervish or a … Continue reading All Tiny Circles Now Secure, Declare World’s Sumo Wrestlers

Eggbeater Given Extra Swirl In Washing Up Water

The eggbeater was given a vigorous and superfluous swirl in the soapy washing up water during tonight’s washing up, reports a satisfied shire man. “Whether it needs it or not I always like giving the eggbeater a few spins in the lathery washing up water,” reported Alford’s Point ball bearing sizer Matt Burton. “It adds an extra thirty seconds or so to the washing up … Continue reading Eggbeater Given Extra Swirl In Washing Up Water

Idiot Not Entitled To Opinion

In a landmark court case a judge has ruled that Shire idiot Peter Leslieson is not entitled to his opinion. “While it is generally considered that everyone is entitled to their opinion in the case of Mr Leslieson he has exhibited an ongoing pattern of voicing such utter bollocks that this right has been withdrawn,” said justice Bradford Pearson from the High Court. “In future … Continue reading Idiot Not Entitled To Opinion

Asshole Scientist Deliberately Discovers New Species Of Spider

An asshole from a major Australian museum has gone well out of his way to discover a new species of spider just so he could give the world the shits. “I could have been out there discovering a new type of butterfly but I prefer to get my kicks from creeping people out,” admitted Dr Marius Hasselty from the Wangaratta Museum of Creepy Crawlies. “I … Continue reading Asshole Scientist Deliberately Discovers New Species Of Spider

Arnott’s Tic Tocs To Go Digital

Arnott’s are changing their iconic Tic Toc biscuits from analog to digital after discovering that modern children have no idea what an old fashioned clock face looks like. “Kids just don’t see the old fashioned two handed clock any more and to keep Tic Tocs relevant we’ve made the decision to go digital,” said Arnott’s head biscuit designer Kingston Crumm. “You’ll still be able to … Continue reading Arnott’s Tic Tocs To Go Digital

“I’ll Go See Doctor If Arrow In Chest Doesn’t Get Better In Another Week” Says Shire Man

A shire man has given the arrow sticking out of his chest another week to stop hurting before going to see a doctor about it. “I know the experts say you should get these things looked at as early as possible but I’d feel like a right idiot if I made an appointment and everything and then it cleared up all by itself,” said Dolan’s … Continue reading “I’ll Go See Doctor If Arrow In Chest Doesn’t Get Better In Another Week” Says Shire Man

Crocodiles Fooled By Fake Gnus

African crocodiles have been warned to examine their gnus carefully after reports that unscrupulous hunters have started using decoy gnus to lure them out of waterholes. “I kept telling my husband to only get his gnus from a reliable source such as the source of the Nile,” said bereaving widow crocodile Beryl Snappy. “But he insisted on going way upriver and getting his gnus from … Continue reading Crocodiles Fooled By Fake Gnus

Cereal Manufacturers Celebrate Discovery Of More Awkward Way To Package Muesli

Owners of breakfast food companies are delighted at the news that scientists in the food packaging industry have discovered an even more impractical method of storing muesli. “We’re always on the lookout for more baffling ways of presenting our product so that when opened bits of muesli fly all over the kitchen bench and a complicated arrangement of elastic bands is needed to reseal it … Continue reading Cereal Manufacturers Celebrate Discovery Of More Awkward Way To Package Muesli