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Man Who Posted Lots Of Parkour Videos Ten Years Ago Gingerly Moves Walker Over Small Hump In Footpath

A man who posted thousands of YouTube videos of himself doing acrobatic parkour stunts at major world landmarks back in 2010 was seen painfully trying to get his walking frame past a slight rise in the footpath yesterday. “HURTS… EVERYTHING HURTS,” screamed twenty seven year old former internet sensation Jacques Le Fivier when we caught up with him attempting a short trip to the shops … Continue reading Man Who Posted Lots Of Parkour Videos Ten Years Ago Gingerly Moves Walker Over Small Hump In Footpath

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All The Wrongs Of 2020 Traced Back To Man Who Wore Monday Underpants On A Wednesday

Scientists have confirmed that the outbreak of coronavirus, rioting on the streets of America, the Australian bushfire season and the murder hornets can be traced back to a rip in the fabric of reality caused by a shire man recklessly wearing his “Monday” underpants on a Wednesday. “I tried to warn Trent that he was playing with dynamite when I saw him getting dressed for … Continue reading All The Wrongs Of 2020 Traced Back To Man Who Wore Monday Underpants On A Wednesday

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Nuclear Physicist On Probation After Putting Hot Wheels Cars In Supercollider

A contrite nuclear physicist at CERN has been severely reprimanded after putting Hot Wheels cars at each end of the Large Hadron Collider and conducting experiments to see if anything cool happens when they crash at high speeds. “We caught Dr Lesney accelerating a 1967 Chevrolet RS and a Batmobile to velocities just below the speed of light when he should have been doing some … Continue reading Nuclear Physicist On Probation After Putting Hot Wheels Cars In Supercollider

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Man In Critical Condition After Putting In Piece Of Wife’s Jigsaw Puzzle

A shire man is fighting for his life in an intensive care ward after he casually put in a piece of the jigsaw puzzle that his wife had been trying to place for the past week. “The piece was a mixture of dark brown and white with a red blob on the end of one of the knobbly bits that had been frustrating me for … Continue reading Man In Critical Condition After Putting In Piece Of Wife’s Jigsaw Puzzle

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Government Broadens Range Of Celebrities Allowed Access To Covid-19 Testing

In response to pressure from shit level celebrities the Australian government has loosened the eligibility rules for access to Covid-19 testing. “Previously to get access to the coronavirus test you had to belong to one of the high risk categories such as having recently travelled overseas, been in close contact with a Covid-19 sufferer, or be a real A-lister like Tom Hanks or Prince Charles,” … Continue reading Government Broadens Range Of Celebrities Allowed Access To Covid-19 Testing

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World’s Cats Impressed By How Fast We’ve Learnt To Open Doors With Our Elbows

The cat population of the world is gobsmacked at how quickly humans have picked up the skill of being able to open a door without using their hands to avoid any contact with the corona virus. “We really thought you guys would be stuffed without the use of your opposable thumbs,” said cat spokesfeline Mittens. “It took the best cat scientists thousands of years to … Continue reading World’s Cats Impressed By How Fast We’ve Learnt To Open Doors With Our Elbows

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Deluded Board Game Sees Two Week Lockdown As Chance To Finally Shine

That “Compendium of Games” that sits inexplicably on your top shelf has fooled itself into thinking that it will actually get its moment in the sun as your family is forced to spend two weeks in virus induced lockdown. “My choice of twelve exciting plastic disc based games including ludo, Chinese checkers and some weird Go style thing that no-one understands is going to prove … Continue reading Deluded Board Game Sees Two Week Lockdown As Chance To Finally Shine

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Dreamcatcher Disgusted With Your Dreams

Your dreamcatcher is once again dreading the darkness after watching you devour a whole block of cheese just before bedtime. “You have no idea what kind of filth flitters through this creep’s head night after night,” shuddered the bead adorned willow hoop that hangs above your futon. “That whole business last night with the nudity, the camels and the ice cream scoop. The hell’s going … Continue reading Dreamcatcher Disgusted With Your Dreams

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Farmer Buys Basket Of Organic Insurance Policies At Local Urbanites Market

An on trend farmer is doing his best to support struggling local white collar workers by buying their products direct from the weekly twilight urbanites market. “I know if I buy an insurance policy from Greg’s stall it’s come to me fresh straight from his desk,” said potato farmer Trevor Gumboot. “Sure it’s written in texta on a page torn out of a writing pad … Continue reading Farmer Buys Basket Of Organic Insurance Policies At Local Urbanites Market

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