In response to pressure from shit level celebrities the Australian government has loosened the eligibility rules for access to Covid-19 testing.
“Previously to get access to the coronavirus test you had to belong to one of the high risk categories such as having recently travelled overseas, been in close contact with a Covid-19 sufferer, or be a real A-lister like Tom Hanks or Prince Charles,” said Health Minister Greg Hunt. “Since we’ve now got a whole lot of new test kits we’ve decided to open up testing to crap celebrities like Toady from Neighbours, Shane Warne and any of the dodgy ex-judges from Masterchef.”
“Prior to this only real top of the range celebrities could mysteriously get themselves tested within hours of waking up with a bit of a cough while the rest of us had to just hide away,” said That Bloke From Married At First Sight A Couple Of Seasons Ago That No-one Liked. “Now us from further down the ladder can get a test and assure our modest lot of fans that we’ve only got a mild case and not to fret too much about us.”
Gutter level celebrities unsure of which strings to pull to get a test have been urged to contact the health departments in their state using the special celebrity internet that normal folk don’t know anything about.
“While we’d like to be able to allow testing for any member of the public whose job takes them into contact with people in high risk groups such as the elderly and the immune compromised, we simply don’t have enough prick tests,” admitted Greg Hunt. “So we’ve decided to save them for the real pricks.”
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